“play MY song”

Let’s start this post with a few scientifically proven facts.

FACT – The average girl has 374 “most favorite song ever” songs between the ages of 16 and 25.

FACT – In a typical bar, 72% of these girls currently have the same exact “my song”.

FACT – Whatever song is currently your “jam” will only be your “jam” for another 24.6 days.

Ok.  Enough science.          (Thanks to the Department of Made Up Numbers for those stats)

Basically, telling a DJ to play a song because it is “your song” is really, really annoying.

First of all, I don’t care what is currently “your song.”  

No, wait.  That’s kinda mean.  What I meant was…

If I play a song that happens to be “your song,” then I definitely did it on purpose.

And it IS really important that you hear “your song” because it will always be “your song.”

I’m positive you won’t have a new favorite song in three weeks.

And now that I have played “your song” I am sure you are certain to have a fantastic time tonight

You will keep dancing and having fun all night, and definitely won’t need to hear “your song” again.

Nope.  You definitely won’t be asking for me to play “your song” again in 15 minutes.

I realize that you only got to hear “your song” on your ipod 20 times today.

So, yes, I will definitely play this song that you are currently claiming to own. 

Oh, and by the way, Justin Beiber is definitely talking about you when he sings “Baby”.

 

texts messages

This is another annoyance that is caused by people who actually do know the DJ.

So, although I don’t complain to your face, this is how I really feel-

DON’T TEXT ME NONSENSE WHEN YOU KNOW I’M WORKING.

If I say to you “come by tonight, the party should be hot.”

Don’t text me with

“Yo, how’s it gonna be tonight?”

Or “Is the party crackin’ yet?”

Or “Can you get my friend in? She’s only 14, but looks older.”

I told you to come by, so just come by

(but leave the jailbait at home, you creep)

For the love of God, please don’t text with “Can you come get me in?”

I’m DJing right now! I can’t leave the booth to come grab you out of line

and hold your hand as I escort you in to the club.

And once you do get to the party, don’t text me with requests.

I get enough annoying requests from the drunk girls on the dancefloor.

The last thing I need is for you to be blowing up my phone

asking me to play some Justin Beiber for your girl

(what did I say about her, man?!?)

I only want to use my phone for emergencies.  

And possibly for checking Twitter and my Facebook fan page.  

And, ok, maybe for booty calls

 

least favorite questions

These are currently my 4 least favorite questions.

I hear these way more often than I would like.

They range from petty to annoying to downright stupid.

but most of all, they make me wonder

“Why would you even ask that?”

This may be the first installment of an ongoing series, so here we go –

trainspotting

(No, not the movie.  That kicks ass)

Trainspotting is the term for looking over the DJ’s shoulder to see what he’s playing.

It’s really fucking irritating.

It wasn’t a problem when everyone spun vinyl.
But now we are in the MP3 age and damn near every DJ uses a laptop.

Apparently some people would prefer to look at my computer screen

Instead of dancing, drinking, and having fun. Which makes no sense.

Sometimes I’m in a booth where no one is behind me, so it’s not a problem.
But lots of times I DJ in areas that are more open,

Or have people hanging out in the booth (like friends of owners or promoters)

Other DJs will do it from time to time, even though it’s a known faux pas

They might want to know what song/remix I’m playing so they can get it.

Or they might want to gaze upon the impeccable organization of my music folders.

But they don’t want to actually ask me anything and fear being seen as an inferior DJ

I get that.  But I don’t get when random customers come up and start doing it.

What’s the point?

Are you excited that you will know the next song 10 seconds before everyone else does?

Are you going to really remember the name of the song and download it tomorrow?

Are you going to make some suggestions? (Here’s a suggestion – Don’t.)
You don’t look over the shoulder of a painter or writer or, hell, even an accountant.

You wouldn’t want someone looking over your shoulder at work, would you?

Especially with the amount of time you spend playing minesweeper in your cubicle.

“you suck!”

Telling a DJ they suck is not going to get your request played.

Yelling it, however, may get you choked.

First of all, it’s just rude, crass, and ignorant.

I don’t suck simply because I won’t play your request.

Maybe I already played it.

Maybe you are in a hip hop club requesting dubstep.

Maybe I just don’t like you.

Telling me that I suck and that you/your cousin/your cat is better is pointless

All you are going to do is piss me off, which guarantees I won’t play your song.

Obviously, not all DJs are created equally.

Some DJs are certainly not as skilled as others.

Pointing this out isn’t your job though.

It’s the job of other DJs who want those gigs to complain about on twitter.

bodily functions

I have never seen a DJ booth that had a bathroom attached.

That would be a beautiful thing though.

As it is, I feel like most clubs build the booth on one end and the bathroom on the other.

So I have the length of a song to run two quick 300 yard dashes through a crowd of people.

It’s not always a problem, but sometimes the bladder has a mind of its own.

“play whatever you want”

I hate when someone tells me to play what I want.

Gee, thanks for your permission.

Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

I am hired to play what I think the crowd wants to hear.