New Year’s Eve

Originally, I wasn’t going to do a post about New Year’s Eve.

It seemed like Halloween, but with fancy clothes instead of stupid costumes.

But the more I think about it, the more I hate NYE.

“play MY song”

Let’s start this post with a few scientifically proven facts.

FACT – The average girl has 374 “most favorite song ever” songs between the ages of 16 and 25.

FACT – In a typical bar, 72% of these girls currently have the same exact “my song”.

FACT – Whatever song is currently your “jam” will only be your “jam” for another 24.6 days.

Ok.  Enough science.          (Thanks to the Department of Made Up Numbers for those stats)

Basically, telling a DJ to play a song because it is “your song” is really, really annoying.

First of all, I don’t care what is currently “your song.”  

No, wait.  That’s kinda mean.  What I meant was…

If I play a song that happens to be “your song,” then I definitely did it on purpose.

And it IS really important that you hear “your song” because it will always be “your song.”

I’m positive you won’t have a new favorite song in three weeks.

And now that I have played “your song” I am sure you are certain to have a fantastic time tonight

You will keep dancing and having fun all night, and definitely won’t need to hear “your song” again.

Nope.  You definitely won’t be asking for me to play “your song” again in 15 minutes.

I realize that you only got to hear “your song” on your ipod 20 times today.

So, yes, I will definitely play this song that you are currently claiming to own. 

Oh, and by the way, Justin Beiber is definitely talking about you when he sings “Baby”.

 

texts messages

This is another annoyance that is caused by people who actually do know the DJ.

So, although I don’t complain to your face, this is how I really feel-

DON’T TEXT ME NONSENSE WHEN YOU KNOW I’M WORKING.

If I say to you “come by tonight, the party should be hot.”

Don’t text me with

“Yo, how’s it gonna be tonight?”

Or “Is the party crackin’ yet?”

Or “Can you get my friend in? She’s only 14, but looks older.”

I told you to come by, so just come by

(but leave the jailbait at home, you creep)

For the love of God, please don’t text with “Can you come get me in?”

I’m DJing right now! I can’t leave the booth to come grab you out of line

and hold your hand as I escort you in to the club.

And once you do get to the party, don’t text me with requests.

I get enough annoying requests from the drunk girls on the dancefloor.

The last thing I need is for you to be blowing up my phone

asking me to play some Justin Beiber for your girl

(what did I say about her, man?!?)

I only want to use my phone for emergencies.  

And possibly for checking Twitter and my Facebook fan page.  

And, ok, maybe for booty calls

 

least favorite questions

These are currently my 4 least favorite questions.

I hear these way more often than I would like.

They range from petty to annoying to downright stupid.

but most of all, they make me wonder

“Why would you even ask that?”

This may be the first installment of an ongoing series, so here we go –

“can you play the whole song?”

DJs are supposed to be mixing songs.
We don’t just play an entire song,
wait for it to end,
and then start up another one.
(At least I hope not.  If you are a DJ and you do, please stop reading now and go practice.)
Some dance songs go on and on and on.
But there is never a need to play the entire nine minute version.
After all, there are only five words to the whole song, just being repeated.
You should get the point by the fourth minute.
Some hip hop tracks have seven different rappers dropping verses on them.
Usually six of those verses suck.
Why not just get right to the good one and leave it at that?
Nowadays everyone has a shorter attention span anyway.
And it’s even worse for the people doing blow in the bathroom.
They can barely focus long enough to order another Red Bull & Vodka.
So when the party is jumping and the vibe is good,
Don’t be upset if you don’t hear every single word of your favorite song.
As the great Dean Martin said –
“If you wanna hear the whole song, buy the record.”

 

weddings

No, I’m not going to complain about DJing at weddings.  

I’m not going to comment on the over-bearing mother-of-the-bride who stresses about everything.

Or how much it sucks to have to DJ in a tuxedo in the middle of July.

Or the requests for the “chicken dance” and “electric slide” and other ridiculous “songs”.

This complaint is actually about going to weddings.

When you are at a wedding you have to make small talk.  

Stuff like the weather, relationship to the happy couple, and what you do for a living.

Whenever I tell someone at a wedding that I DJ, I always get the same response-

“Why didn’t you DJ this wedding? Well, why don’t you get up there and DJ a bit.”

NO! It doesn’t work like that.  I’m not gonna jump on for a quick set.  

Can’t you just let me enjoy the open bar for a while, please?

I’d like to bask in this glorious display of endless love. 

Or at least start some ending-in-the-morning love with one of the bridesmaids. 

Besides, I’m already trying to filter out the current DJ,

who is train-wrecking between Lil Jon and Frank Sinatra.

And no, I’m not going to get out on the dancefloor.  

I’m used to clubs with young, attractive girls and guys, dancing while high on life (and drugs.)  

Not this leper colony of senior citizens, toddlers, and sad lonely people.

Sometimes there’s a band instead of a DJ.  

That makes it easier on me, because no one tells me to go grab a guitar.

However, people rarely join a wedding band because they are too good for a real band.

Basically, wedding bands are the lowest form of a band, outside of Rock Band on XBox.

Nobody wants to hear five 40-year old men (who still live with their parents) do a cover of Lady Gaga.

What’s that? This is a “dry” wedding? Not even beer and wine? That’s it, I’m out.

 

high-fives

When you make a request, I don’t want you to give me a high-five.
We don’t need to do a fist bump.
I wasn’t in your frat, bro, so I don’t know your 12-step handshake either.
You know what you could give me though?
A tip.  That’d be nice.
You are just requesting a song. We don’t need to physically bond over it.
Especially since I saw you in the bathroom earlier.
You definitely skipped right by the sink and the soap.
Anyway, I currently need my hands for mixing and scratching and all this silly DJ stuff I’m doing.
Also, quick tangent;
When you are requesting a song, don’t call me by some stupid nickname.
I’m not your “boss”, your “chief”, or your “pal”,
My name isn’t “homeslice”, “big man”, or “sweet-tits”.
Basically treat me like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld.
Order your request, hand over your tip, avoid direct eye contact, and move along.
Otherwise NO SONG FOR YOU!!!!

 

(Yes, I referenced both Borat and Seinfeld in 2011. They hold up. Plus Borat looks like Soup Nazi.)